Almost every week, I talk with entrepreneurs, changemakers and leaders about the infinite mindset.
This concept comes from the 1986 book Finite and Infinite Games, written by Dr. James P. Carse. It’s become better known in recent years, however, thanks to Simon Sinek’s 2019 Book “The Infinite Game.”
The lens through which we view any situation determines how we feel and react. The infinite mindset is a game-changing paradigm that I’ve seen help many people assuage burnout, overwhelm, demoralizing thinking, jealousy, and many other negative experiences.
In this article, I’ll share more about these paradigms, why they matter, and how you can leverage them to make the journey toward your goals more sustainable and fun.
How do you define Finite and Infinite Games?
Carse wrote that “[a] finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play.”
Sinek expanded on this, saying:
Finite games, like football or chess, have known players, fixed rules, and a clear endpoint. The winners and losers are easily identified. In infinite games, like business or politics or life itself, the players come and go, the rules are changeable, and there is no defined endpoint. There are no winners or losers in an infinite game, there is only ahead and behind.Simon Sinek
When we feel pressure about being in a Finite Game, such as hitting a revenue goal or getting a big promotion, it’s important to take a step back. What is the Infinite Game that this short-term experience is a part of?
Most of the games that matter to us as adults, after all, are actually Infinite. For instance:
- Building a career we feel proud of
- Creating a business that feels easeful to run
- Raising our children to be good people
- Cultivating great relationships with our colleagues, friends and family
In this zoomed-out reality, we can trust that the ups and downs of any journey are normal and that each situation is not a make-or-break moment. Rather, there is an opportunity to learn.
People struggle when they play an Infinite Game with a Finite mindset… and they often don’t even know this is happening. They take plenty of action toward their goals, but forget to think about the greater context in which they are acting. This latter piece is critically important if you want to maintain equanimity as you pursue higher level goals.
How do I know if I’m stuck in a finite mindset?
We all get stuck in this mindset from time to time. Here’s how to spot it:
- You’re playing to win, rather than playing to grow
- You’re struggling with resilience after a perceived failure
- Your setbacks sting way more than you’d like them to
- You feel like you’re on a rollercoaster of highs and lows
- You’re prioritizing reaching a goal over making this process a repeatable, sustainable endeavor (i.e. “I’ll make this happen even if I work 17 hours a day and then need an entire week to recover!” vs. “I’ll work toward this goal efficiently and with intention. I’ll prioritize sustainable progress and apply lessons learned so I become more and more efficient over time.”
- Deadlines have serious weight: Meet them, or else…
What is it like to have an infinite mindset?
- You play for a purpose that’s bigger than any short-term failure or success
- You stay focused on the big picture as you take steps toward your goals, which tempers highs and lows
- You believe deadlines are meant to motivate and direct you. If you don’t meet a deadline, it’s a good data point.
- You prioritize a sustainable upward trend in revenue/group dynamics/etc… over finishing something exactly when you said you would
- How you get to your goals matters just as much or more than hitting them at exactly the specified time (i.e. “Even if I don’t meet my fitness goal, am I eating and sleeping better? Can I celebrate that and continue to work toward the ultimate aim?”)
So many over-focus on Finite Games, and this can have serious consequences. These include:
- Undermining your zoomed-out goal: If you’re sprinting toward one Finite goal after another, you may not realize your approach undermines the Infinite Game you want to be playing. While working day and night to hit six figures, for instance, you might lose sight of your ultimate aim to have work-life balance. Even worse, this sprinting can become a habit or embed a story in your mind that you need to be overworked to succeed.
- Blocking your day-to-day happiness: If you’re on the Finite Game rollercoaster, you’re likely enduring an unnecessary level of stress and anxiety. You also miss out on the joy and gratitude that comes from celebrating ongoing progress.
- Perpetuating sub-optimal approaches to reaching your goals: Are you willing to extend your deadline by a month so you can try out a new approach to success that fits your Infinite Game? Or to slow down enough to truly integrate lessons learned? If not, you’re at risk of repeating the same sub-optimal approach again. And again. And again.
What are the steps to achieving an infinite mindset?
First of all, keep your Infinite Game top of mind. Write it down every morning. Post a reminder somewhere you’ll see it often (and move it occasionally so it doesn’t start to meld into your surroundings). Share it with your colleagues, friends and family. The more you remind yourself, the more your Infinite Game will become a part of how you make decisions and relate to short-term challenges.
Next, when you notice the symptoms of a Finite Mindset (high levels of stress, overreacting, defensiveness, etc…), pause. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself how you can reframe the situation as part of the Infinite Game. The more often you practice, the more quickly you’ll be able to notice what’s happening and change your experience.
Finally, celebrate your progress. Playing an infinite game is not a finite game. Put a reminder in your calendar each week to check in on how the Infinite mindset is going.
First off, if you are looking for more general information about masterminds, this is not the blog entry for you. Click here instead.
If you are interested to learn more about my business mastermind, you’re in the right place! I’ll share with you 1) a basic overview of what we’ve discussed in quarter 1 (Q1) of the program and 2) snippets of interviews with current mastermind members about their experience so far.
An Overview of Quarter 1 in my Business Mastermind Program
In Q1 of the program we covered the following topics:
- Group agreements and how/why to create agreements within groups
- Participants’ relationship to both giving and receiving support
- How to create effective accountability partnerships
- Creating a clear vision for the future and measurable goals
- Visibility + taking our visibility up a notch (…or 10)
- Money mindset (money and visibility typically go hand-in-hand)
While I have a general outline I follow for my business mastermind, I tailor it based on the group dynamic and the group’s needs. I never hesitate to throw my plan out the window if there is a topic that would better benefit the participants.
My clients review their experience of Q1 in my business mastermind
Below are interviews with some of the current participants. Let me first first introduce you to them (p.s. they happen to all be ladies, but we do have a co-ed group)!
…and now on to their feedback…
My favorite part about Q1 was…
Eloah: The constant forward movement! I really appreciated the pace, and I made a huge progress sorting out my finances.
Lisa: Creating my master plan for 2021. It’s helped me focus my energy.
Carrie: Enjoying a community with other awesome creators.
This mastermind structure is unique because…
Eloah: There is so much support going through things that I would otherwise avoid.
Lisa: I am able to build relationships with entrepreneurs who understand my struggles, fears, and uncertainty, as well as my vision, growth and bigness.
Carrie: of the shared accountability and commitment.
My biggest learning in Q1 was…
Eloah: how to be unstoppable
Lisa: that having a road map is important, even if you are not 100% sure where you are going; accountability and personal integrity are my biggest assets and tools; I am a badass, even when I might forget; I am a leader, even when I feel invisible and insignificant; and I offer tremendous value to my clients, even when things don’t go perfectly.
Carrie: that I can trust my peers to hold my vision when I forget
If you’re considering this structure, you should know…
Eloah: that your life is about to change for the better and that it is never too late to give your life a new direction that feels right for you!
Lisa: It is what you make it. Although Megan is an amazing leader and facilitator with an incredible arsenal of tools available for us, it really is up to each participant to be engage, aware, alert and vulnerable. The deeper I go with my own practices and learnings, the more my business will benefit.
Carrie: you have value to both give and receive
What I appreciated about Meg as a leader in Q1 was…
Eloah: Geeez!! Everything? She is such a badass-take-no-shit-and-love-you-beyond-limits human being! She’s also great fun and a pleasure to have around!
Lisa: her heart and her ability to hold each individual to their highest self and potential. Even when I think I am failing, I feel like celebrating because of Megan’s incredible outlook that does not see results as right/wrong or good/bad but as a metric to see what’s working and what I can tweak to improve. My business is bigger and has more direction as a result.
Carrie: the special blend of playfulness, accountability, insight, and kindness that holds the group together.
What are you taking away from this blog post, reader? Share below in the comments!
Welcome readers! In this blog, we will cover how to run a mastermind:
- Why should you run a mastermind group? What is the purpose?
- What happens when you run a mastermind group?
- What makes a good mastermind group?
- What should you charge to run a mastermind group?
- What’s it like to be in my mastermind?
What gives me the credibility to write this? I’ve been designing and running group experiences for the last 15 years, including international retreats, group coaching programs, and my own my business mastermind. Of everything I’ve created, I’m most proud of my mastermind program. It’s a support structure based on accountability, compassion, and participants holding each other to their highest potential (please note that this does not always mean working harder or working more).
And, while I’m still learning, I’m delighted to share my knowledge with you on how to run a mastermind.
Why should you run a mastermind group? What is the purpose?
One of my favorite authors, Napoleon Hill, first coined this concept in his book The Law of Success (1925). He then elaborated on the idea in Think and Grow Rich (1937).
The purpose of a mastermind group, Hill said, was to leverage the brilliance of your peers in order to reach your goals.
“No mind is complete by itself. It needs contact and association with other minds to grow and expand.”Napoleon Hill
According to Hill, when a group of people come together with “a definite purpose” (such as growing a business) and “a positive mental attitude,” they constitute “an unbeatable force.”
To put this to modern-day language, a mastermind is a group of people who know what you’re up to, respect you, offer you feedback/advice, and call you out on your bullshit. You can depend on these people and you meet regularly to discuss your projects. I believe there is tremendous power in this type of community for generating collective success, and that is the reason why I choose to run a mastermind.
What happens when you run a mastermind group?
While structures vary, a good mastermind group will include regular meetings in which people support one another through brainstorming, giving advice, challenging one another and checking in on each person’s progress toward their goal.
In my mastermind group, coaching is also an option.
What makes a good mastermind group?
A good mastermind group requires:
- A common goal: What, specifically are you all working toward? Is it growing a business? Improving health or self-care? Something else? There must be a shared mission.
- Clear agreements: How often do you meet? Can group members skip calls? Spend time going through the nitty gritty and co-creating your agreements so you have guidelines for participation. The idea here is not to be rigid or create an environment in which people are bad/wrong for breaking an agreement. This will inevitably happen. Instead, decide how you will handle this.
- Regular check-ins on group dynamics: Agreements are only useful insofar as group members embrace them. Regular check-ins can keep agreements top of mind and can help make sure any conflicts or miscommunications are resolved before they grow into a larger issue.
- People who aren’t afraid to challenge one another: Your mastermind members need to know what you’re up to and to remind you of the badass that you are when you feel daunted, disappointed or unsure of the next step. If group members are more concerned about “playing nice,” than being compassionately candid with each other, the mastermind may plateau.
- A solid base of mutual respect and compassion: One of my favorite agreements from my 2021 mastermind is “We assume the best about one another.” Practicing unconditional positive regard and assuming that others are genuinely interested in you reaching your goals is key to building trust and welcoming challenges.
- A good leader who is compensated for their leadership: I’ve run and participated in many masterminds. In my experience, the structure is difficult to maintain unless there is a clear leader and that leader is paid. People typically give their attention and commitment when money is involved. If you are participating in a peer mastermind group, I recommend paying the person who is in charge of logistics. If you are participating in an organized mastermind group with a mentor/coach/consultant, I recommend looking for a group in which you pay the amount that inspires you to show up 110%.
What should you charge to run a mastermind group?
I’ve seen masterminds cost anything from $100/month to $1 million per year. Here are some things to consider with pricing when you run a mastermind program:
- Who are your ideal mastermind participants?
- What level of investment will ensure that these participants are ready to show up 100%?
- Running a mastermind is a serious commitment, and your time is valuable. You will facilitate calls, coordinate with many people’s schedules, and ultimately be responsible for group dynamics. What compensation would have you show up 100% for the people you serve?
What’s it like to be in my mastermind?
Check out this blog post to read what current members have to say about their experience, and my mastermind hub to learn more about how to sign up!
What are you taking away from this blog post on how to run a mastermind? Share below in the comments!
Today on the blog, we’ll discuss how I landed a BIG, unexpected, unsolicited, and free media opportunity. This story will illustrate how you can increase your business’s visibility by generating free media coverage through authentic marketing.
Ya’ll know I’m a firm believer in authentic marketing (read my article about brand authenticity here). Thus, it may not surprise you that my willingness to share intimate moments of my life is what led to a recent offer for a live appearance on the UK’s most popular morning show.
While I’ll share more about this momentarily, I first want to reiterate the value of authenticity in business — especially since I’m one of many who have discovered the difference a personal touch can make.
Many of the entrepreneurs I work with have been surprised when posts they make about their personal connection to their brand get the biggest response. Your ideal customers love your origin story. They also love photos of you with your clients/products, the people/places you love or the things you do that align with your brand.
Consider the following example. Let’s say you just launched an annual planner via Amazon and you have the option to make one of two social media posts.
The first: A professional photo of your planner that shares why it’s awesome and has a link to where people can buy.
The second: A photo of you and your planner that shares why you decided to create it and how it feels to be releasing it after all the work you’ve done.
Nine times out of ten, the second post will have the best response. It will also be more likely to get shared on social media or to pique the curiosity of media outlets.
My point here is that your personal story can attract attention and magnetize opportunities. It makes you relatable, which has others see themselves in your experience and may therefore inspire more support.
While it can be scary to put yourself out there and become the face of your brand, it’s worth it. Not only do you have the chance to make a difference in people’s lives, as well as discover your unique brilliance and contribution, you also get (yes, get) the chance to overcome any fears that arise as you become more visible. Entrepreneurship can be a great path to self-actualization, self-love and higher levels of confidence.
With all that said, let’s transition back to how I landed the media opportunity on This Morning in the UK.
It started when I married myself on November 8, 2020.
This was both a beautiful and challenging experience… and it was 100%, authentically me. Since my friends know me as a coach who preaches the values of self-compassion and owning your personal power, they weren’t terribly surprised when they received my wedding invitation.
And, while the event was very personal, I still chose to share about it, believing my stand for self-love could inspire others.
It became my most popular blog of all time.
And then it became my most-commented-on social media post of all time.
Four months later, I received an email from a journalist in the UK. He had found me on Instagram via hashtags (always remember to use your 30 hashtags!) and wanted to share my story with his audience. I’d never heard of his media outlet, so I was suspicious.
“How much will it cost?” I asked, ready to be annoyed by yet another person offering me media coverage for a stupidly-high price tag. (I do my own PR… and I’m really good at it).
When he made it clear that it would be free, and that he often pitched his stories to larger media outlets, I happily agreed to move forward.
Three days later, I got an email back from him. Not only had he written a beautiful account of my wedding, but the largest morning show in the UK wanted to interview me live on their program.
So, what are my major takeaways from this experience about getting free media coverage?
- Being YOU is good for business: That thing that some other people don’t “get” or think is a little odd? It’s the exact thing your ideal customers want to see or need to hear.
- You do you… and see what happens: You can’t always predict the blog post or video that will go viral.
- When you get visible, your ideal audience can find you: Who knew that people in the UK would love my self-marriage? I’ve also heard plenty of stories from fellow entrepreneurs about their books, programs or products making them well-known in unexpected parts of the world.
- Use your hashtags: Yup, those thirty hashtags on Instagram can make a difference. #doit
- Trust your gut: I had a feeling that people could benefit from my story and — although it felt vulnerable to share it — I’m glad I did. I hope it makes a big difference in others’ lives.
What are your learnings from this post, dear readers? What ideas did it give you about generating your own free media coverage? Share your thoughts with me below.
I want to tell you a story how I recovered from rejection.
On its surface, the story seems to be about failure. Upon closer inspection, however, it is about intuition, energetic alignment and one of my favorite phrases:
This or something better.
Here’s a belief I live by: rejection is not bad or final. Rejection is a useful navigation tool and a way that the universe challenges us to step into the highest and best version of ourselves.
We are playing an infinite game, and rejection is a normal, natural part of the journey
The story I will share is about my own recovery from rejection, although I believe you will recognize your own experience in the story, too.
Back in October, I sent off my application for the Fulbright – a prestigious grant from the US government.
It was a badass proposal. My editor at Northwestern University said I had one of the best personal statements he’d seen that year. Plus, it was an awesome topic. I planned to study the intersections between flamenco and personal development.
About a month after I clicked “submit,” however, I got a gut feeling: I wasn’t going to get the award. Something wasn’t right. It wasn’t meant for me.
<<Ok, readers, check-in no. 1 – can you relate to this story yet? Is there a time when you felt in your bones that something was not right for you, even if you didn’t know quite why?>>
Last week, a rejection letter confirmed my hunch. And, while my stomach still dropped when I read it (I’m human, after all), I knew this was the right outcome.
This is when I turned to my mantra:
This or something better.
Something better, I trusted, would be on the way.
<<Check in no. 2! Can you relate to trusting something better is on its way to you?>>
Although this was the outcome I expected, and I had made peace with it, I wanted to think more deeply about why this happened.
I’m a coach, after all. Thinking deeply about shit is what I do.
After some introspection, reading and journaling, I realized the Fulbright wasn’t an energetic match for me.
This proposal was meant to teach me a lesson, but the fellowship was not my next step:
The universe doesn’t just present opportunities when our success is inevitable.
Need some examples?
- That guy you dated briefly wasn’t meant to be your future husband, but to teach you some important lessons that facilitated your next level of growth
- Your first job out of college seemed awesome… but in the end, it taught you how to stand up for yourself with a cranky boss
- The program you created was a flop, but you certainly learned a thing or two about launching…
The universe gave me the Fulbright to have me think more deeply about the intersections between two things I love: movement and personal development. And, gosh darn it, it worked. I foresee many future retreats around this topic…
<<check in no. 3. Has the universe ever given you an opportunity that was meant to teach you something?>>
My purpose is to challenge the status quo:
We’re all born with desires, goals and needs that are the perfect fit for the impact we are meant to make. I have very often been rejected by large institutions. I have also often been rejected by people who thought my ideas were downright crazy. In the end, I still did the thing – created a six-figure business, got an amazing master’s degree that had nothing to do with my previous studies, led dance trips around the world, etc…, but a lot of people out there were betting against me.
Given all this, it’s no surprise that a governmental agency with an academic bent wouldn’t be altogether psyched about my proposal that talked about spiral dynamics, self-esteem, personal empowerment and self-help storytelling.
Thanks for the reminder, rejection. I’m meant to take a path that’s outside the box so that I learn lessons to teach others and can model this lifestyle for kindred spirits.
Now, make no mistake, I’ll still pursue this project… and I’ll do it in the visionary way I do many things. People may not “get it,” but that won’t stop me from writing a best-selling book, creating a mind-blowing retreat, or doing something else that’s awesome.
<<Check in no. 4 – are you an out-of-the-box creator? Do you ever feel like people don’t get you? Remember: You were perfectly created to do what you are meant to do!>>
The work was misaligned with my money mindset:
I’ve done quite a bit of money mindset work this year, and I am no longer available to earn less than a $30k/month. The project (in the Fulbright form) would have asked a lot of me for little compensation – we’re talking about $1,000 a month for part-time work. Of course the universe would close that door! Perhaps I was available for this type of exchange right after college, or even throughout my early years as a professional. Now, though? We can go bigger than that…
There must be better partners available:
While Fulbright is a fantastic partner for many people, it clearly wasn’t the best partner for me. If someone does not get our genius (or simply aren’t properly equipped to support us), we don’t need to argue. Our job is to own our vision and show up consistently. This way, you will find the partners who are an optimal fit.
When you shout your desires from the rooftop, after all, you’re hard to miss.
I’ll say it once more…
Rejection is a useful navigation tool and a way the universe challenges us to step into the highest and best version of ourselves. While it may initially make us disappointed, sad, or angry, it is always in our best interest.
So, repeat after me:
Thank you, rejection, for closing doors so that I can navigate toward ideal opportunities.
Thank you, rejection, for reminding me to go bigger.
Thank you, rejection, for limiting the time I invested on a path that wasn’t quite right.
Thank you, rejection, for reminding me who I am.
What are your thoughts on rejection, reader? Share them below!
Embrace the Adventure,
This week, there’s been a theme on many of my coaching calls: the struggle to overcome fear-based perfectionism.
Perfectionism is sometimes a wonderful skill to leverage (remember: very few human behaviors are inherently bad or good). Other times, when perfectionism is rooted in fear, it can block us from moving forward.
In this blog, I will share:
- my philosophy on fear-based perfectionism
- a surprising practice for how to overcome fear-based perfectionism
- some of my favorite mantras to move past the sometimes-crippling need to get things “just right”
Let’s start with one very important truth:
Your perfectionism has paid off over the years. Perhaps your attention to detail helped you get the grades to attend your dream grad program. Or you were rewarded for catching mistakes or discrepancies in your line of work. It’s also possible the rewards started earlier. Growing up, your allowance may have depended on how thoroughly you cleaned your room.
Indeed, perfectionism is a tool
…but it can’t be the only tool. Think about construction workers. They head out with jack hammers, drills, and a variety of other equipment. This way, they know they’ll be equipped to address a variety of challenges.
You don’t really need to get rid of perfectionism all together.
Will your doctors appointment get cancelled if you’re late? Be perfectly on time. Need to find a professional to help out with your taxes, will or other sensitive documents? By all means, use all your perfectionist tendencies to identity the right person for the job.
So, if our goal isn’t to leave behind perfectionism, what is it?
The goal is to learn to recognize the perfectionism as its happening (i.e. cultivate awareness) and then to make a choice. If the perfectionism feels helpful and empowering, go with it! If it seems to be holding you back, it’s time to try something else.
Over the years (and over and over again in my conversations with clients this week), I’ve noticed how there is one particular flavor of perfectionism that seems universally debilitating.
Perfectionism Rooted in Fear
I typically see this in intelligent, successful people. Blind to the fear that’s actually running the show (or unclear that this is the real reason they can’t move forward), they often try to justify their behavior. They give well-thought-out reasons why they need to wait until conditions are just right, they know more, or they have enough time/money/etc… They argue for the perceived limitations, saying they’re not ready. Ask their closest friends and allies if that person is ready, however, and you will hear a resounding “YES!”
Here are a few archetypes of past clients whose perfectionism was disguised as fear:
- A doctor who wanted to write her first children’s book and spent hundreds of hours editing and re-editing her work
- A top-performing, highly educated employee who wanted to start his own business, but thought she needed more credentials
- A talented artist who almost turned down his first gallery show because he wasn’t 100% satisfied with all of his paintings
If these people had let fear win, the world would have missed out on their beautiful contributions.
The key to changing the behavior pattern
We don’t change our behaviors by making them bad and wrong. This can just send us into a shame cycle. We also don’t change our behavior by trying the same thing over and over again. This results in a frustration cycle.
Through my work with people around the world, I’ve discovered there are two key, initial steps we must take toward change:
- Finding a safe place to acknowledge and talk about the fear
- Cultivating more self-compassion
As I mentioned above, fear-based perfectionism is a challenge faced by accomplished people, many of whom do not sit around talking about their fear.
Now, please recall what I said at the beginning of this article: Any human behavior has both payoffs and challenges, and most behaviors are not inherently good or bad. While some people cringe when I mention the idea of sharing feelings, I’ve seen time and time again how learning to talk about fear with trusted confidantes can normalize the experience.
“Sunlight is the best disinfectant,” one of my former clients loved to say.
When we can name and discuss our fear, we give the fear less power and can build our sense of support and community. It can also — and this is extremely important — support you in cultivating more self-compassion.
Compassion is essential to overcome fear-based perfectionism
You may be great at offering compassion to your friends, pet, child or another beloved figure in your life… but not so practiced at offering it to yourself. You probably also know that sometimes compassion is the best way to get things done. You wouldn’t, for instance, yell at a toddler for not being potty trained. You’d show him compassion and then find a creative and loving way to support his progress (for my nephews, we use stickers).
Many perfectionists even have a story that self-compassion will make them weak or slow them down. The vast majority of perfectionists I know are at 0 risk of this happening.
Self-criticizing <—————————> Self-compassion
On the spectrum above, they are so far over to the left, that a few notches toward self-compassion will only improve the quality of their life. Their old strategy of pushing themselves is no longer working, anyway!
Do you want to go allllllll the way over to the right? Maybe sometimes. Odds are, however, that you’ll find a sweet spot in the middle that serves as a more sustainable and gentle road to success.
By cultivating compassion for their fear, and hence themselves, a perfectionist can find a new strategy to success.
Talking to your fear
Oftentimes, it’s easier to be gentle with our fear if we can personify it. Just yesterday, a client and I named her fear Koko the Gorilla. A few months ago, another client personified his fear as a much younger version of himself. It felt easier for them to welcome and spend time with this version of their emotion.
Mantras to overcome fear-based perfectionism
Fear-based perfectionism often needs a loving reminder from our adult selves that we are ok. Sometimes, it’s possible to have a conversation with our fear. You can choose to embody the fear and speak from that place and then embody your highest self and answer the fear. These conversations can help you better understand both sides of your personality.
Other people prefer mantras, so here are a few mantras I’ve come up with:
- Perfectionism, thank you for wanting to protect me. I acknowledge you. I celebrate you and the gifts you’ve given me. You can relax and sit back for now. I promise to call on you when I need you.
- Pursuing my goals is a journey. There is no failure in this pursuit, only learning and opportunities to pivot
- Anyone who judges me for being imperfect is giving me the big, fat gift of CLARITY. I can remove them from my list of allies or potential partners and hold space for someone who understands my heart, passion, and commitment.
- I learn and become better as I go. When it comes to living my purpose, perfection is a myth.
While this blog shares ideas and tips to start you off, overcoming fear-based perfectionism is a journey. Get lots of support from coaches, therapists and/or your network of friends.
How do you overcome fear-based perfectionism? Share below.
Let me tell you a story about how my commitment to brand authenticity was tested.
Six years ago, shortly after launching my business, I began a weekly newsletter called Fuck Yes Fridays.
I remember clicking “send” for the first time.
I was PSYCHED, my branding felt ON POINT and I was ALL IN to support people in leaving the mediocre behind. My mission then (and now) was to help others create a values-based business and lifestyle that went far beyond “good,” or even “hell yes.”
The email went out.
And then the response came: Many people LOVED the branding… and others were appalled by it (I know now that these are not my ideal audience members, but at the time their response made me feel scared about the viability of my business).
After receiving a few nasty comments, I made the decision to silence my voice. Goodbye, brand authenticity.
–> Oof. Writing that sentence makes me cringe. <–
Can you relate? Have you ever felt like you needed to squash the real you in order to fit in, find clients or otherwise be successful?
This is a lie. Don’t believe it.
Now that I’ve studied marketing, led one of my businesses through the foremost incubator for creative companies in the world, and become a six-figure entrepreneur, I know a few more things about brand authenticity than I did at the time of that story.
Thing #1: You want a memorable brand.
Your job is to stand out and get noticed. This does mean, however, that people will have opinions about you and your work.
“If you’re remarkable, it’s likely that some people won’t like you. That’s part of the definition of remarkable. Nobody gets unanimous praise–ever.”Seth Godin, Purple Cow: Transform Your Business by Being Remarkable
But you know what?
People who don’t like you, think you’re weird or don’t understand what the hell you’re doing will often still talk about you. And that’s free promotion.
Thing #2: Your audience needs YOU, specifically.
You will say things, offer services, etc… in a way that speaks to your ideal clients.
You are meant to serve a distinct population, not everyone. By using YOUR colors, speaking in YOUR voice, and being willing to say things that feel true to YOU (which may or may not include drooping the the F-bomb if you’re anything like me!), the RIGHT people will find you. Even better, these people will be over-the-moon that you’re there. They will feel connected to you. They will feel like you GET them.
Even if they’ve seen others offering the same service or sharing a similar message, it’s possible your people never feel connected to it.
For instance, three different coaches might talk about reaching your goals in different ways:
Coach 1: We will use the principles of neuroscience to support you in establishing new habits!
Coach 2: Let’s talk about energetic alignment, the law of attraction and quantum physics
Coach 3: It’s time to clarify what you want and then create concrete steps to getting there
And on, and on and on.
I’ve seen coaches from each of these different categories (and many more) cultivate thriving businesses and raving fans. The same person who goes to coach no. 1, however, may be completely different than the person who goes to coach no. 2. These service providers carve out their niche by being themselves and embracing their unique methodology.
Being authentic also means less wasted time on calls with potential collaborators or clients, since people will already have a feel for who you are and what you value.
Thing #3: We live in an ABUNDANT world with TONS of people who need different things
You know that influencer who has 1 million followers? There are SO MANY PEOPLE on this planet that there could be 0 overlap between these people and your big, future audience.
If you buy into any story about scarcity, you may try to mimic others out there. This will not be as fulfilling or sustainable as showing up as yourself.
Be yourself and the right people will come to you. You will like these people better. They will like you better. Your relationship with them is based in authenticity and truth.
The process is similar to dating. Put on a mask, and you might get lots of people interested in you that aren’t actually a great match.
Thing #4: Being yourself makes decision making simple
WWID — what would I do?
If you’re trying to be someone else, mimic another person, or do things the “right” way (the “right” way is a complete myth, BTW), decision making can be a challenge.
When you’re you, you know your values, priorities, and goals. Because of this, you can make aligned decisions more quickly (which is key to our next-level of success). You won’t hem and haw wondering ‘What would this OTHER person do?”
Since being an entrepreneur in this world means trying something, seeing what works, and then iterating, fast decision making is absolutely key to moving forward.
Which of these tips about brand authenticity resonates most for you? Share in the comments below.
Also — as you may have guessed — Fuck Yes Fridays are back. Sign up for my mailing list to get my updates in your inbox!
Embrace the Adventure,
From the time I was little, I knew I was meant to be an entrepreneur.
I loved creating things. While growing up, I sold lemonade, homemade birthday and holiday cards, and a lot more.
I loved to lead. I started a scary story club when I was 10, a cappella groups in high school and college, and organized gatherings that brought people together.
I valued freedom. I wasn’t made to work for others, in one place or a typical 9 – 5 schedule. I would rather have worked 12 hours a day on my own terms than 8 hours a day for someone else.
Plus, I just felt like entrepreneurship was for me. I knew in my bones that I was destined to have a business.
Nevertheless, starting a company felt terrifying. Why? I was a first-generation entrepreneur, and I had no idea where to start.
What is a first generation entrepreneur?
A first generation entrepreneur did not grow up in a family of entrepreneurs. Most commonly, their close friends, mentors or role models are not business owners. They do not interact with anyone regularly for whom successful entrepreneurship is the norm. They may have interacted with aspiring entrepreneurs who never dedicated themselves to a business idea or who did not succeed and went back to a day job.
What are the unique challenges of a first-generation entrepreneur?
- Entrepreneurship is not normalized: They didn’t grow up hearing their parents talk business around the dinner table. In fact, business ownership may be feared or has a stigma. The people who surround first-generation entrepreneurs often have negative stereotypes about entrepreneurship… and this is what the would-be entrepreneur hears about day in and day out. Because of this, it’s hard for the first-generation entrepreneur to know the difference between interpretation and fact. Is starting a business truly inherently risky? Or are there tried-and-tested ways to mitigate risk? Can a businesses only be a side hustle or hobby for people like them? Or can anyone who is courageous and hardworking follow steps and best practices that will dramatically increase the chance of success?
- They can’t just go to business school: It would be great if an MBA prepared you to be a successful entrepreneur… but it doesn’t. In fact, it might just leave you with debt that makes it even scarier or impractical to start a company. I’ve heard so many entrepreneurs battle with the question of whether or not they should get an MBA, and this is an experience I know well. In my desperation to avoid starting a company, I applied for business school. Ultimately, I received a full ride… and turned it down. I wanted to start my business NOW and I realized pursuing my MBA would require me to learn a lot of things that didn’t directly apply to my company. In short, more school would have made me feel safe, but was ultimately just a clever form of procrastination. Six years into being an entrepreneur, I see ways that an MBA could have benefitted me, but I still believe I made the right choice not to pursue this path.
- Mentors are not built in: A big reason I didn’t start my business earlier (in fact, it took me 10 years) is because I didn’t know who to turn to for support. When I met entrepreneurs, they were willing to answer a few questions, but not to discuss business with me every week. I couldn’t call those entrepreneurs when I was scared and have them say “I really understand” and look at my numbers, marketing strategy, etc… Instead, I had to find my own mentors and hire them so I could get the amount of support I truly needed. This leads to my next point:
- Their first years in business are not just about starting a company: The first-generation entrepreneur often balances their launch with assuaging the fears of or educating their families and friends. What does it mean to be an entrepreneur? And is it really a good idea to invest in your dream or in yourself? Many people are confronted by the idea of investing in themselves via a massage once a month or buying organic food. It makes sense, then, that the idea of a first-generation entrepreneur hiring a life or business coach (or both, as I did in my first year) could seem crazy. And yet… many first-generation entrepreneurs need this level of support.
- The learning curve is steep: Because they weren’t exposed to entrepreneurship early on, first-generation entrepreneurs often have to learn their lessons by trying new things, making mistakes and then re-adjusting or pivoting. This process may be terrifying, since — per point no. 1 — it’s not normalized. In many cases, the learning process is so far outside their comfort zone that they ultimately give up.
What can the aspiring first-generation entrepreneur do to support themselves?
- Stop asking for advice before you start: While having some conversations can be supportive, having conversation after conversation as a way to avoid failure or stall your learning curve is not helpful. Commit to the learning curve and ask for advice after you’ve really started to apply yourself to the entrepreneurship process. It will make your conversations much richer and you will earn the respect of the entrepreneurs you encounter.
- If you feel fear, get support: It took me 10 years to start my business because I was scared. I wish I’d met a life or business coach earlier who understood the value of mindset and could support me with fear-related self-sabotages. Plus: Accountability. Anyone who is stalled by fear needs someone who knows how to lovingly hold them accountable and challenge them around facing the underlying fears or limiting beliefs that keep people stuck.
- Find a community: You may find solace is being around other entrepreneurs. My own community, The Thriving Creator, is one amazing place to get connected to fellow business owners.
- Do something, anything: Again, any action you take will lead to lessons learned. As long as you’re paying attention and cataloguing those lessons, you will gain invaluable wisdom and experience. The action you take will also better prepare you to apply to business incubators, if that’s a type of support you choose to seek later on. I did this for my company Dance Adventures and it was a total blast!
Are you a first-generation entrepreneur? What’s your business? Share below!
Embrace the Adventure,
P.S. I will be riffing about first-generation entrepreneurship more soon. Stay tuned on the blog!
Fear. Insecurity. Anxiety.
It’s not very festive…. but it’s REAL.
And, while most of my friends, family and clients have been expressing ample gratitude for what they have, MOST are experiencing at least one of the feelings I listed above.
I’ve been a part of discussions about this in my virtual coworking community, business mastermind and plenty of other places. Inspired by them, here are some of my top suggestions for alleviating fear, insecurity and anxiety as they arise.
- Give yourself space to feel your feelings: Rather than operate on top of negative emotions, pause and see what’s there. I sometimes think about my emotions as children. When they’re upset, I don’t ignore them. I kneel down and ask “What’s wrong, love?” Then, I listen. Often, I write down everything I hear (a sort of journaling exercise). Emotions, like children, often get louder when they’re ignored.
- Set very achievable goals: On days when you’re not feeling great, choose one or two tasks you can complete and then celebrate the hell out of doing them. Our success is more about consistent action than about achieving off-the-chart results each day. If you can keep moving and positively reinforce that progress, rather than beat yourself up for not having peak productivity, you’re much better off.
- Ritual: Is there a way to infuse your core values into a ritual? For example, some of my core values are creativity, freedom and connection. I’ve created a morning ritual where I go for a quick walk around the block while listening to grounding music on Spotify and sipping my morning Rasa. It helps quell my anxiety (an ongoing challenge) and gets me ready to start my day.
- Make sure you feel aligned with what you’re offering through your business: Do you believe in all your services or products? If not, trying to sell them likely increases anxiety or stress. If something feels off, chat with a coach, colleague or friend about your concerns.
- Do a calendar inventory: Do you really need all those meetings on your calendar? Are there some you have out of habit vs. from a real need? Are there any you can cut down by 10 – 30 minutes if you and the other parties came prepared to dive in?
- Community: Cultivate your social support (read tips from the Mayo Clinic here). During the pandemic, fight the urge to just stay home. Create explicit agreements with your friends about meeting up and then go have a great time. Even an hour or two can lift your spirits. Go for a walk, go snowshoeing or have a bonfire. If Zoom is the way you stay in touch with friends or family far away, find creative ways to have those calls: set up game nights, read each other stories or make the same dinner at the same time.
- Give yourself something to look forward to: Can’t travel or visit friends/family right now? Do some research and plan a REALLY FUN trip that you can take in the future. So far during this pandemic, I’ve planned amazing trips to Italy and Japan. If you REALLY need variety/adventure to feel like yourself, consider some of the new virtual AirBnB experiences. You can meditate with monks in Bali, take a tour of street art in Japan or do yoga with an Olympic athlete.
- Eat well: Check out this resource from UCLA that highlights stress-reducing foods.
- Take a wonder walk: Head outside and practice taking in everything around you with wide-eyed wonder. The more over the top you go with this, the more fun/relaxing it is. Wonder walks are also great (and often hilarious) to do with friends.
- Workout (hot tip: “exercise snacks”): Make these non-negotiable even if it’s just 15 minutes of jogging in place each morning. You can also try “exercise snacks,” and do sets of squats, pushups or other types of exercise throughout the day. Exercise is proven to make you happier and offers many other benefits, too.
- Turn off technology: Give yourself permission to not look at your phone or your computer until a certain time in the morning. In the evening, do the same. If you’re noticing that this is difficult, you may need to find a stress-reducing hobby or ritual to replace the screen. This could be reading fantasy books, playing the guitar, journaling before bed, listening to a pre-downloaded podcast or music (with your phone on airplane mode), creating art or taking long walks with a friend or family member. Remember: You need time to just BE in order to balance the time you spend working or giving to others.
How do you reduce stress, anxiety and fear? Let me know below.
A few months ago, I hired a PR company for three reasons:
1) To help me promote my book Dance Adventures
2) To see if I could outperform them when it came to PR
3) To practice investing in myself at a higher level (this company’s services cost about $3,000/month)
Now in the final phases of our contract, I feel grateful for what I’ve learned and also excited that I DID outperform them.
What I valued about this experience
Working with the PR company allowed me to cast a wider net with my publicity efforts, as I spent my time reaching out to publications that they did not contact. It was also a great accountability structure. I checked in with one of the women assigned to my book once a week about what we both had accomplished and outstanding articles I needed to write. The PR company’s efforts also landed me some opportunities I’m not sure I would have secured otherwise. This included my interview with an NBC affiliate, the chance to have a journalist at 60 minutes read my book, and features in publications that I had never heard of (but who have many readers). I wrote for Confetti Travel Café, Business Done Write, Thought Leaders LLC, and several other publications.
What I learned (and what you can apply to your own PR efforts)
- 1. It starts with a good press release: No surprise there. While I have experience writing press releases from my time in journalism school, working as a writer/editor in NYC, and working in business development/fundraising, I thought the PR company brought some cool new ideas (you can see the full press release here — note that this is the template, rather than the custom versions they sent to each media outlets). The PR company included quotes from my advance readers and descriptions of a few stories from the anthology they thought would get the most attention from major media outlets. Finally, they customized each press release with a few titles of stories I could write for a given publication, based on its unique interests.
2. Know your dream placements: I spent 20 – 30 hours creating my “PR Wish List.” This included more than 150 news outlets — from podcasts to newspapers to magazines — where I thought the book could be featured. I made sure these publications would have an interest in the subject matter, based on previous stories they published. I also created a list of all of the universities/organizations/companies that I and the other authors featured in the anthology were connected to. I knew these could also be great allies for book promotion. My point person at the PR company said it was the “most exquisitely organized” media outreach list she’d ever seen. I felt proud of this, since I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to support the PR company’s efforts.
3. It’s great to get others involved: Using my PR Wish List, I scoured Linkedin to find my connections to various publications. Sometimes, I knew someone who worked there (thanks, j-school!). Other times, I had to ask a friend for an introduction. Sometimes asking for these introductions was easy. Other times it felt vulnerable and challenging. In the end, I secured many intros and a few cool opportunities. When you ask, people can always say “no,” but you might be surprised at how often they say “yes.”
I also got the authors and Dance Adventures’ early readers involved. I sent them the press release, examples of emails to send out to their alumni magazines or other networks, and volunteered to support them in writing letters to any media outlet they wanted to contact. We also did some very fun author interviews, which you can check out here.
And, last but not least, there was my mom! She wanted to try to secure publicity for Dance Adventures on NPR, Ellen and in a few other places. One Sunday morning, we sat down together and typed those out. We thought about what would inspire and delight the editors/hosts, and came up with the subject line: “Proud Mama Reaching Out.” We were delighted when, not long after, NPR reached out for an interview.
4. I looked at current events: When it comes to pitching ideas, many editors are looking for things that are timely. In other words, they want you to have a good idea and for it to fit in with current events or trends. I went with pitches (such as my story on equitable editing, which will be out in early 2021) that would further conversations already happening in the United States.
5. Don’t be afraid to follow up: If I didn’t see a clip that was promised, or didn’t hear back about a pitch, I reached out. If I still didn’t hear back, I would contact the editor again a week later. I decided on the mindset that my follow up emails (as long as they were spaced reasonably far apart) were supportive to extremely busy editors. This kept me going, even when it felt like there was radio silence.
While there were other lessons, I will pause here for now. I am excited to share more about this process with my clients, as they work to get the word out about their own projects. I am also delighted that my diligence, organization and vision created so much opportunity. It is a testament to the inner work I’ve done (which has taught me to keep going even when I feel daunted) and to my skills as a writer and editor.
I would love to hear your takeaways from this post! Please comment below.
Some of the publicity we secured for Dance Adventures:
- “Meet The Women Behind the Dance Travel Trend” on Unearth Women
- Interview on NPR‘s “City Lights” (forthcoming)
- A great feature on author Kara Nepomuceno in the Del Mar Times
- A blog for the National Dance Education Organization
- Watch all my YouTube interviews with the authors
- A Book Review from Divine
- Long-form, nonfiction story in Hidden Compass (forthcoming)